I realized today that I am in an "elite" club. I didn't ask to be a part of this club and I'm pretty sure the other members didn't ask nor are they happy to be a part of it.
We are the divorced/soon-to-be divorced thirty-something's.
We all have a story. We all have a reason we are here. A reason we get emotional when all seems fine. A reason our hearts and emotions are not 100% whole. We don't have to share the whys or how come to anyone because it ours. I find it hard to let people in as I'm sure many in my situation do.
I think we can all agree that our emotions are unstable sometimes and our hearts are fragile. It's easy to forget this but as we all move forward and on with our lives, we have to remember to be gentle with our own heart as well as the hearts of others-to be careful.
I hate the word "damaged" but if you think about it, we kinda are. It's hard coming to terms with this reality-this truth. We all have stories and we all have wounds. It makes us who we are but it doesn't define us.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Tough questions
My daughter asked me when me, her daddy, and herself would move back in together.
How do you explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it won't happen? How do I explain that for reasons she can't understand that it's for the best? How do I make her okay with the answer "never"? How do I explain that we aren't moving in together? That The separate house thing is permanent?
She talks about our old city a lot. It's where her world last made sense. Her Parents were together, she could see my mom (her grandma who's lived within 5 minutes of us since she was born) whenever she wanted, and her Jazzie cat was there. She loved her Jazzie cat who died just a few months before we moved from a stroke. She knows that Jazzies no longer in Asheville, but in her mind, all is right in the world there. This makes me sad on so many levels. Mostly because I don't want her to associate this city we now live to be the reason her parents aren't together, that her grandma isn't a short drive or walk away, or why she no longer has the coolest cat in the world.
This is tough. You always want to protect your kids, to make the right decisions. But sometimes what's "right" is hard to grasp.
How do you explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it won't happen? How do I explain that for reasons she can't understand that it's for the best? How do I make her okay with the answer "never"? How do I explain that we aren't moving in together? That The separate house thing is permanent?
She talks about our old city a lot. It's where her world last made sense. Her Parents were together, she could see my mom (her grandma who's lived within 5 minutes of us since she was born) whenever she wanted, and her Jazzie cat was there. She loved her Jazzie cat who died just a few months before we moved from a stroke. She knows that Jazzies no longer in Asheville, but in her mind, all is right in the world there. This makes me sad on so many levels. Mostly because I don't want her to associate this city we now live to be the reason her parents aren't together, that her grandma isn't a short drive or walk away, or why she no longer has the coolest cat in the world.
This is tough. You always want to protect your kids, to make the right decisions. But sometimes what's "right" is hard to grasp.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
On a mission
Finding out who I am, what I like, what defines me has become a mission.
In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;
* I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.
* Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
* I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
stick to the edge like always.
* Straight lines are overrated. I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
* I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
* I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
snow easier
* my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
* I love skinny jeans.
I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends. It makes the rough times a lot easier.
In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;
* I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.
* Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
* I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
stick to the edge like always.
* Straight lines are overrated. I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
* I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
* I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
snow easier
* my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
* I love skinny jeans.
I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends. It makes the rough times a lot easier.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Be Joyful.
My friend gave me a CD from her church that she thought I'd like. The pastor was preaching about Joy. True joy. One thing that stuck out to me is that he said that happiness is different than joy. He, she, this or that can make you happy one minute and you can be sad the next. Feelings such as happiness are fleeting. True joy is not.
Joy is a theme in my life. My daughters name means "joyful spirit". when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name. I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am. I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives. I've experienced many over the years. I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move. But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope. To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.
Joy is a theme in my life. My daughters name means "joyful spirit". when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name. I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am. I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives. I've experienced many over the years. I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move. But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope. To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.
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