Over the last few months, I've had so many people tell me that they're sorry to hear about the divorce. And every time, I shrug, say I'm okay, My daughter's okay, no big deal, it's better this way. And I mean it....except that I don't. It IS a big deal. A marraige ending after a decade is hard. It may be "right" for the people involved for whatever reason but it's not as easy as I tend to make it seem.
Ever since I was little, I've been able to compartmentalize things that happened. I have been able to close doors to certain aspects that are tough. This helps me get through the tough times but once that door gets opened again, it's like a flood. A full force flood. And I feel like I'm being hit by tidal waves of memories. Nothing of great importance, really, but still bits and pieces of the life we lived and the things we did. Strange things like restaurants or common views.
And as my mind wanders, it feels like that was a different life; a different me. I look back at my time in Asheville and it seems smokey; a distant memory. Problem is, it's not that distant. I've only been here a year... Less than a year actually. But, oh, what a wild almost-a-year it's been.
I read a great quote that said " I am just striving to be more me than I've ever been". I feel like that is my goal: to find me, to be me. I chopped my hair off. Spikey short... But cute spikey short. I really have to clarify this because I know what I picture when I hear a woman has short spikey hair and it's not cute. But my hair is... Atleast I think so and that's what I keep being told! ;). This was a BIG step to finding me. Cutting my hair brought a sense of freedom and confidence that I haven't felt in a while.
I am up way past my bedtime...
