Heading into a new year with high hopes!

On Zig Ziglars' Facebook page today he had this saying:

Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.

I think this is a good thing for me to remember as I head into a new year.  It's so easy to see where I am not instead of the steps I'm making.  I am going to try to stay focused on the daily things that help me get to where I want to be.  
This year has been a time of so much change and it's easy for me to think "I should've, could've, shouldn't have" but sometimes falling down or walking off the path you were on helps you to see what direction you really want to go. 

Mindbodygreen.com has an article on things to let go of for the new year.  Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

 Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

 Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

 Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

 Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

 Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.


May this year be filled with fulfilled dreams, goals that are reached, hearts that are happy, and lives that are full! 



Happy New Year!

Keeping it real.

A little over Seven years ago , my son was stillborn.  His heart just stopped. I went in to the doctors for my 35th week appointment and they couldn't find his heartbeat. They wheeled me down to labor & delivery. They left me in that room by myself and as I waited for my husband to arrive, so many things went through my head. I kept hearing an old pastor say "stand. And when you're tired of standing, continue to stand".  I held on to that through the night and the next day when he was born.
I went to work just two weeks after my son died. It was too soon. But people told me that I needed to move on, "get over it", and I didn't know better. I didn't know that I needed to shut out the voices and just be.
I used to have a panic attack on the way home from work  every. Single. Day.  It was bad and I was thankful my commute was only 15 minutes. My chest would hurt, I couldn't breath, and I felt like I was going to implode. I started telling myself, "K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this." Every day, I would recite this to myself for the year or so that this continued.  During the rough times since then, I find myself repeating this. I guess it's kind of my mantra, in a way.
As I face my first Christmas being single and the fact that my daughter won't be with me the entire time, I am repeating this again:"K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this."  
I think the main thing is HOPE. I will continue to hope and have faith in what I can't see and can't even imagine. 
The future is scary to me. But I will continue to repeat my mantra, put one foot in front of the other and press on.

2013

This year has not been easy...
The strings that held my marriage together unraveled. The hardest part is giving up what I thought would be.  when I moved back home, it was a sigh of relief. Starting fresh and finding me again.  but Dealing with divorce and all that goes with it, especially when you have a child, is painful. It's been painful. I've cried so much, nursed my hurt feelings more than I care to admit, and doubted myself about things I should be sure of.
And in all of this, I have fallen back in step with my three best friends. 11 years away and you'd never know. Their love and support for me has been so true, so sweet, and it never waivers. True friendship.  
I also learned that although it can hurt ALOT, I can let people in. I've been stand-offish for years, not letting others in, but I did. I let my guard down.  I was a shell of myself when I got here and it's good to know that my quirkiness, my love to laugh and be silly, is still there.  I just needed people who cared about me to help bring that back to the surface. Through the people I let in, I've become okay and secure with who I am, who I was, and who I have yet to become. Although my heart aches for the could've Been's, I try to focus on what I've gained.
I have learned that  I love my little girl fiercely. Not being with her daily hurts soooo much but she's handling it so well. There's a Shakespeare quote that says  "Though she but be little, she be fierce." I think of this when I think of her. She is an overcomer even at 4 1/2 years old.
I think the hardest thing to face is not being whole. Not being healed and learning to be okay with it.  My heart, my mind, my spirit need healing and I have to give myself time and be okay with this.