We vs. Me and a side of eggs

I went out to dinner with an old friend last week and had a great time catching up! But one thing struck me: the use of WE. I was amazed at how often I said WE when talking about the past.  It makes sence, honestly. I was part of a duo,  part of "we". WE bought a house, WE moved to Florida and North Carolina, WE vacationed together.
I haven't just been ME since I was 25... Over a decade ago. It's a weird transition... One that I'm trying to train myself to say.
Talking about ME....
After I moved into my own apartment, I realized that I didn't know how I liked my eggs. well, not literally. I didn't know ME.  In "the Runaway Bride",  Julia Roberts character would adapt what eggs she ate to match what the man she was with ate.  So, there you go: the eggs.
 I had someone start texting me question after question and I didn't know how to answer them. Even the simplest questions stumped me and made me realize that I needed to find myself again. To Find what I love, what excites me. So, I don't know all the answers but I know myself a little more.
Favorite book: Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne's character, her spunk, her power to overcome all obstacles and to love the people and things around her. Favorite movie: I love the intensity of Christopher Nolan's Batman movies.  Also, The love story of "50 first dates" is beautiful to me... To never give up on love even when you're being told to and when it is difficult. Favorite place: I haven't been to all that many places, but Mackinac Island has such a special place in my heart. But I love the water. Oceans, lakes, waterfalls... It's peaceful to me.  Favorite hobby: creating things or vegging on the sofa. This is new to me and I kinda love being able to! Favorite color: purple. It calms me and makes me happy.

Chairs and opposites

Many years back,  my mom and I were talking about her trip to Home Depot that day.  The line was long and slow so she and the guy behind her started making small talk.  Soon, they were sitting in lawn chairs in the checkout line, moving them up as needed, talking to make time pass.
I love this story.  Mostly because I think the chair idea is  brilliant but I also love that my mom has never known a stranger.
I love to start conversations with people. I am an extrovert so sitting with strangers at the hibachi grill or at the bar doesn't faze me.  I have no problem talking to people I do not know and it never occurred to me that some people didn't think this was  normal. Until I spent time with an introvert.
  They say opposites attract and there's a reason for that: you admire the traits you see in them that you don't have but after a while, if you don't have enough similarities, I think it's easy to almost suffocate the others personality. I have had some amazing conversations lately with amazing girl friends. The subject of opposites has come up in almost every conversation so I thought I'd blog about it!
I know that there are couples out there who are total opposites and are happy and going strong but since this has been the similar discussion in many conversations I thought I'd ask your thoughts on the subject!

Heading into a new year with high hopes!

On Zig Ziglars' Facebook page today he had this saying:

Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.

I think this is a good thing for me to remember as I head into a new year.  It's so easy to see where I am not instead of the steps I'm making.  I am going to try to stay focused on the daily things that help me get to where I want to be.  
This year has been a time of so much change and it's easy for me to think "I should've, could've, shouldn't have" but sometimes falling down or walking off the path you were on helps you to see what direction you really want to go. 

Mindbodygreen.com has an article on things to let go of for the new year.  Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

 Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

 Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

 Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

 Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

 Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.


May this year be filled with fulfilled dreams, goals that are reached, hearts that are happy, and lives that are full! 



Happy New Year!

Keeping it real.

A little over Seven years ago , my son was stillborn.  His heart just stopped. I went in to the doctors for my 35th week appointment and they couldn't find his heartbeat. They wheeled me down to labor & delivery. They left me in that room by myself and as I waited for my husband to arrive, so many things went through my head. I kept hearing an old pastor say "stand. And when you're tired of standing, continue to stand".  I held on to that through the night and the next day when he was born.
I went to work just two weeks after my son died. It was too soon. But people told me that I needed to move on, "get over it", and I didn't know better. I didn't know that I needed to shut out the voices and just be.
I used to have a panic attack on the way home from work  every. Single. Day.  It was bad and I was thankful my commute was only 15 minutes. My chest would hurt, I couldn't breath, and I felt like I was going to implode. I started telling myself, "K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this." Every day, I would recite this to myself for the year or so that this continued.  During the rough times since then, I find myself repeating this. I guess it's kind of my mantra, in a way.
As I face my first Christmas being single and the fact that my daughter won't be with me the entire time, I am repeating this again:"K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this."  
I think the main thing is HOPE. I will continue to hope and have faith in what I can't see and can't even imagine. 
The future is scary to me. But I will continue to repeat my mantra, put one foot in front of the other and press on.

2013

This year has not been easy...
The strings that held my marriage together unraveled. The hardest part is giving up what I thought would be.  when I moved back home, it was a sigh of relief. Starting fresh and finding me again.  but Dealing with divorce and all that goes with it, especially when you have a child, is painful. It's been painful. I've cried so much, nursed my hurt feelings more than I care to admit, and doubted myself about things I should be sure of.
And in all of this, I have fallen back in step with my three best friends. 11 years away and you'd never know. Their love and support for me has been so true, so sweet, and it never waivers. True friendship.  
I also learned that although it can hurt ALOT, I can let people in. I've been stand-offish for years, not letting others in, but I did. I let my guard down.  I was a shell of myself when I got here and it's good to know that my quirkiness, my love to laugh and be silly, is still there.  I just needed people who cared about me to help bring that back to the surface. Through the people I let in, I've become okay and secure with who I am, who I was, and who I have yet to become. Although my heart aches for the could've Been's, I try to focus on what I've gained.
I have learned that  I love my little girl fiercely. Not being with her daily hurts soooo much but she's handling it so well. There's a Shakespeare quote that says  "Though she but be little, she be fierce." I think of this when I think of her. She is an overcomer even at 4 1/2 years old.
I think the hardest thing to face is not being whole. Not being healed and learning to be okay with it.  My heart, my mind, my spirit need healing and I have to give myself time and be okay with this.

Driving

When I was in high school, I used to drive the back roads to find peace, to chill, to relax.  It was something about just jumping in the car and driving... No where in particular, with my mom or friends.  It's been years since I found driving peaceful but now that I'm home again, I find myself just driving.  I check out what's changed, what's the same.  Today, I came to this place that I didn't exactly know but this tangible sense of nostalgia took over. I don't know why, but it was this sense of peace.  Peace to be home, to fit.  I never wanted to stay in this state. And I definately didn't want to move back but now that I'm here I know that you CAN go home again.
I struggled so much with being ashamed by things that I did or said or the way I treated people.  I felt like that defined me and I associated that with Michigan.  But I'm not that girl, we all do things we aren't proud of, and who I am now and who I'm becoming is really the real deal and what matters.

Life as I now know it

I can't believe I haven't posted since January...
I guess life took over... And flipped upside down.
I feel battered by life right now in so many ways and thankful in so many other ways.
One nite in early May,  my husband and I had a heart to heart and realized we weren't happy. We are now back to our home state in separate apartments.  Our daughter seems to be doing well and sees us both daily.
And I'm doing pretty well. There are things that break my heart... I try not to focus on them but its hard not to.
I have painted so many pictures and have positive thoughts everywhere.  I just need to read them more often.  Tonight, I finished "tough times don't last- tough people do".  My dad try's to encourage me but by telling me I have a long road ahead of me, it just freaks me out.  No one plans for this.  But It happens and I just pray for guidance thru it all.