The divorced thirty-something

     I realized today that I am in an "elite" club.  I didn't ask to be a part of this club and I'm pretty sure the other members didn't ask nor are they happy to be a part of it.
     We are the divorced/soon-to-be divorced thirty-something's.
We all have a story.  We all have a reason we are here. A reason we get emotional when all seems fine.  A reason our hearts and emotions are not 100% whole.  We don't have to share the whys or how come to anyone because it ours. I find it hard to let people in as I'm sure many in my situation do.
I think we can all agree that our emotions are unstable sometimes and our hearts are fragile.  It's easy to forget this but as we all move forward and on with our lives, we have to remember to be gentle with our own heart as well as the hearts of others-to be careful.
     I hate the word "damaged" but if you think about it, we kinda are. It's hard coming to terms with this reality-this truth.  We all have stories and we all have wounds.  It makes us who we are but it doesn't define us.

Tough questions

My daughter asked me when me, her daddy, and herself would move back in together.
How do you explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it won't happen? How do I explain that for reasons she can't understand that it's for the best? How do I make her okay with the answer "never"? How do I explain that we aren't moving in together? That The separate house thing is permanent?
She talks about our old city a lot. It's where her world last made sense. Her Parents were together, she could see my mom (her grandma who's lived within 5 minutes of us since she was born) whenever she wanted, and her Jazzie cat was there.  She loved her Jazzie cat who died just a few months before we moved from a stroke.  She knows that Jazzies no longer in Asheville, but in her mind, all is right in the world there.  This makes me sad on so many levels. Mostly because I don't want her to associate this city we now live to be the reason her parents aren't together, that her grandma isn't a short drive or walk away, or why she no longer has the coolest cat in the world.
This is tough. You always want to protect your kids, to make the right decisions.  But sometimes what's "right" is hard to grasp.

On a mission

Finding out who I am, what I like, what defines me has become  a mission.
 In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;

  * I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.  
  * Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
  *  I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
      stick to the edge like always.  
  * Straight lines are overrated.  I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
  * I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
  * I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
    snow easier
 * my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
 * I love skinny jeans.

I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends.  It makes the rough times a lot easier.

Be Joyful.

     My friend gave me a CD from her church that she thought I'd like.  The pastor was preaching about Joy. True joy.  One thing that stuck out to me is that he said that happiness is different than joy.  He, she, this or that can make you happy one minute and you can be sad the next.  Feelings such as happiness are fleeting.  True joy is not.
     Joy is a theme in my life.  My daughters name means "joyful spirit".  when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name.  I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am.  I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.  
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives.  I've experienced many over the years.  I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move.  But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope.  To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.
 

We vs. Me and a side of eggs

I went out to dinner with an old friend last week and had a great time catching up! But one thing struck me: the use of WE. I was amazed at how often I said WE when talking about the past.  It makes sence, honestly. I was part of a duo,  part of "we". WE bought a house, WE moved to Florida and North Carolina, WE vacationed together.
I haven't just been ME since I was 25... Over a decade ago. It's a weird transition... One that I'm trying to train myself to say.
Talking about ME....
After I moved into my own apartment, I realized that I didn't know how I liked my eggs. well, not literally. I didn't know ME.  In "the Runaway Bride",  Julia Roberts character would adapt what eggs she ate to match what the man she was with ate.  So, there you go: the eggs.
 I had someone start texting me question after question and I didn't know how to answer them. Even the simplest questions stumped me and made me realize that I needed to find myself again. To Find what I love, what excites me. So, I don't know all the answers but I know myself a little more.
Favorite book: Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne's character, her spunk, her power to overcome all obstacles and to love the people and things around her. Favorite movie: I love the intensity of Christopher Nolan's Batman movies.  Also, The love story of "50 first dates" is beautiful to me... To never give up on love even when you're being told to and when it is difficult. Favorite place: I haven't been to all that many places, but Mackinac Island has such a special place in my heart. But I love the water. Oceans, lakes, waterfalls... It's peaceful to me.  Favorite hobby: creating things or vegging on the sofa. This is new to me and I kinda love being able to! Favorite color: purple. It calms me and makes me happy.

Chairs and opposites

Many years back,  my mom and I were talking about her trip to Home Depot that day.  The line was long and slow so she and the guy behind her started making small talk.  Soon, they were sitting in lawn chairs in the checkout line, moving them up as needed, talking to make time pass.
I love this story.  Mostly because I think the chair idea is  brilliant but I also love that my mom has never known a stranger.
I love to start conversations with people. I am an extrovert so sitting with strangers at the hibachi grill or at the bar doesn't faze me.  I have no problem talking to people I do not know and it never occurred to me that some people didn't think this was  normal. Until I spent time with an introvert.
  They say opposites attract and there's a reason for that: you admire the traits you see in them that you don't have but after a while, if you don't have enough similarities, I think it's easy to almost suffocate the others personality. I have had some amazing conversations lately with amazing girl friends. The subject of opposites has come up in almost every conversation so I thought I'd blog about it!
I know that there are couples out there who are total opposites and are happy and going strong but since this has been the similar discussion in many conversations I thought I'd ask your thoughts on the subject!

Heading into a new year with high hopes!

On Zig Ziglars' Facebook page today he had this saying:

Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.

I think this is a good thing for me to remember as I head into a new year.  It's so easy to see where I am not instead of the steps I'm making.  I am going to try to stay focused on the daily things that help me get to where I want to be.  
This year has been a time of so much change and it's easy for me to think "I should've, could've, shouldn't have" but sometimes falling down or walking off the path you were on helps you to see what direction you really want to go. 

Mindbodygreen.com has an article on things to let go of for the new year.  Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

 Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

 Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

 Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

 Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

 Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.


May this year be filled with fulfilled dreams, goals that are reached, hearts that are happy, and lives that are full! 



Happy New Year!