On a mission

Finding out who I am, what I like, what defines me has become  a mission.
 In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;

  * I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.  
  * Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
  *  I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
      stick to the edge like always.  
  * Straight lines are overrated.  I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
  * I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
  * I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
    snow easier
 * my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
 * I love skinny jeans.

I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends.  It makes the rough times a lot easier.

Be Joyful.

     My friend gave me a CD from her church that she thought I'd like.  The pastor was preaching about Joy. True joy.  One thing that stuck out to me is that he said that happiness is different than joy.  He, she, this or that can make you happy one minute and you can be sad the next.  Feelings such as happiness are fleeting.  True joy is not.
     Joy is a theme in my life.  My daughters name means "joyful spirit".  when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name.  I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am.  I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.  
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives.  I've experienced many over the years.  I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move.  But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope.  To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.
 

We vs. Me and a side of eggs

I went out to dinner with an old friend last week and had a great time catching up! But one thing struck me: the use of WE. I was amazed at how often I said WE when talking about the past.  It makes sence, honestly. I was part of a duo,  part of "we". WE bought a house, WE moved to Florida and North Carolina, WE vacationed together.
I haven't just been ME since I was 25... Over a decade ago. It's a weird transition... One that I'm trying to train myself to say.
Talking about ME....
After I moved into my own apartment, I realized that I didn't know how I liked my eggs. well, not literally. I didn't know ME.  In "the Runaway Bride",  Julia Roberts character would adapt what eggs she ate to match what the man she was with ate.  So, there you go: the eggs.
 I had someone start texting me question after question and I didn't know how to answer them. Even the simplest questions stumped me and made me realize that I needed to find myself again. To Find what I love, what excites me. So, I don't know all the answers but I know myself a little more.
Favorite book: Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne's character, her spunk, her power to overcome all obstacles and to love the people and things around her. Favorite movie: I love the intensity of Christopher Nolan's Batman movies.  Also, The love story of "50 first dates" is beautiful to me... To never give up on love even when you're being told to and when it is difficult. Favorite place: I haven't been to all that many places, but Mackinac Island has such a special place in my heart. But I love the water. Oceans, lakes, waterfalls... It's peaceful to me.  Favorite hobby: creating things or vegging on the sofa. This is new to me and I kinda love being able to! Favorite color: purple. It calms me and makes me happy.

Chairs and opposites

Many years back,  my mom and I were talking about her trip to Home Depot that day.  The line was long and slow so she and the guy behind her started making small talk.  Soon, they were sitting in lawn chairs in the checkout line, moving them up as needed, talking to make time pass.
I love this story.  Mostly because I think the chair idea is  brilliant but I also love that my mom has never known a stranger.
I love to start conversations with people. I am an extrovert so sitting with strangers at the hibachi grill or at the bar doesn't faze me.  I have no problem talking to people I do not know and it never occurred to me that some people didn't think this was  normal. Until I spent time with an introvert.
  They say opposites attract and there's a reason for that: you admire the traits you see in them that you don't have but after a while, if you don't have enough similarities, I think it's easy to almost suffocate the others personality. I have had some amazing conversations lately with amazing girl friends. The subject of opposites has come up in almost every conversation so I thought I'd blog about it!
I know that there are couples out there who are total opposites and are happy and going strong but since this has been the similar discussion in many conversations I thought I'd ask your thoughts on the subject!

Heading into a new year with high hopes!

On Zig Ziglars' Facebook page today he had this saying:

Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.

I think this is a good thing for me to remember as I head into a new year.  It's so easy to see where I am not instead of the steps I'm making.  I am going to try to stay focused on the daily things that help me get to where I want to be.  
This year has been a time of so much change and it's easy for me to think "I should've, could've, shouldn't have" but sometimes falling down or walking off the path you were on helps you to see what direction you really want to go. 

Mindbodygreen.com has an article on things to let go of for the new year.  Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

 Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

 Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

 Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

 Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

 Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.


May this year be filled with fulfilled dreams, goals that are reached, hearts that are happy, and lives that are full! 



Happy New Year!

Keeping it real.

A little over Seven years ago , my son was stillborn.  His heart just stopped. I went in to the doctors for my 35th week appointment and they couldn't find his heartbeat. They wheeled me down to labor & delivery. They left me in that room by myself and as I waited for my husband to arrive, so many things went through my head. I kept hearing an old pastor say "stand. And when you're tired of standing, continue to stand".  I held on to that through the night and the next day when he was born.
I went to work just two weeks after my son died. It was too soon. But people told me that I needed to move on, "get over it", and I didn't know better. I didn't know that I needed to shut out the voices and just be.
I used to have a panic attack on the way home from work  every. Single. Day.  It was bad and I was thankful my commute was only 15 minutes. My chest would hurt, I couldn't breath, and I felt like I was going to implode. I started telling myself, "K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this." Every day, I would recite this to myself for the year or so that this continued.  During the rough times since then, I find myself repeating this. I guess it's kind of my mantra, in a way.
As I face my first Christmas being single and the fact that my daughter won't be with me the entire time, I am repeating this again:"K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this."  
I think the main thing is HOPE. I will continue to hope and have faith in what I can't see and can't even imagine. 
The future is scary to me. But I will continue to repeat my mantra, put one foot in front of the other and press on.

2013

This year has not been easy...
The strings that held my marriage together unraveled. The hardest part is giving up what I thought would be.  when I moved back home, it was a sigh of relief. Starting fresh and finding me again.  but Dealing with divorce and all that goes with it, especially when you have a child, is painful. It's been painful. I've cried so much, nursed my hurt feelings more than I care to admit, and doubted myself about things I should be sure of.
And in all of this, I have fallen back in step with my three best friends. 11 years away and you'd never know. Their love and support for me has been so true, so sweet, and it never waivers. True friendship.  
I also learned that although it can hurt ALOT, I can let people in. I've been stand-offish for years, not letting others in, but I did. I let my guard down.  I was a shell of myself when I got here and it's good to know that my quirkiness, my love to laugh and be silly, is still there.  I just needed people who cared about me to help bring that back to the surface. Through the people I let in, I've become okay and secure with who I am, who I was, and who I have yet to become. Although my heart aches for the could've Been's, I try to focus on what I've gained.
I have learned that  I love my little girl fiercely. Not being with her daily hurts soooo much but she's handling it so well. There's a Shakespeare quote that says  "Though she but be little, she be fierce." I think of this when I think of her. She is an overcomer even at 4 1/2 years old.
I think the hardest thing to face is not being whole. Not being healed and learning to be okay with it.  My heart, my mind, my spirit need healing and I have to give myself time and be okay with this.