Keeping it real.

A little over Seven years ago , my son was stillborn.  His heart just stopped. I went in to the doctors for my 35th week appointment and they couldn't find his heartbeat. They wheeled me down to labor & delivery. They left me in that room by myself and as I waited for my husband to arrive, so many things went through my head. I kept hearing an old pastor say "stand. And when you're tired of standing, continue to stand".  I held on to that through the night and the next day when he was born.
I went to work just two weeks after my son died. It was too soon. But people told me that I needed to move on, "get over it", and I didn't know better. I didn't know that I needed to shut out the voices and just be.
I used to have a panic attack on the way home from work  every. Single. Day.  It was bad and I was thankful my commute was only 15 minutes. My chest would hurt, I couldn't breath, and I felt like I was going to implode. I started telling myself, "K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this." Every day, I would recite this to myself for the year or so that this continued.  During the rough times since then, I find myself repeating this. I guess it's kind of my mantra, in a way.
As I face my first Christmas being single and the fact that my daughter won't be with me the entire time, I am repeating this again:"K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this."  
I think the main thing is HOPE. I will continue to hope and have faith in what I can't see and can't even imagine. 
The future is scary to me. But I will continue to repeat my mantra, put one foot in front of the other and press on.

2013

This year has not been easy...
The strings that held my marriage together unraveled. The hardest part is giving up what I thought would be.  when I moved back home, it was a sigh of relief. Starting fresh and finding me again.  but Dealing with divorce and all that goes with it, especially when you have a child, is painful. It's been painful. I've cried so much, nursed my hurt feelings more than I care to admit, and doubted myself about things I should be sure of.
And in all of this, I have fallen back in step with my three best friends. 11 years away and you'd never know. Their love and support for me has been so true, so sweet, and it never waivers. True friendship.  
I also learned that although it can hurt ALOT, I can let people in. I've been stand-offish for years, not letting others in, but I did. I let my guard down.  I was a shell of myself when I got here and it's good to know that my quirkiness, my love to laugh and be silly, is still there.  I just needed people who cared about me to help bring that back to the surface. Through the people I let in, I've become okay and secure with who I am, who I was, and who I have yet to become. Although my heart aches for the could've Been's, I try to focus on what I've gained.
I have learned that  I love my little girl fiercely. Not being with her daily hurts soooo much but she's handling it so well. There's a Shakespeare quote that says  "Though she but be little, she be fierce." I think of this when I think of her. She is an overcomer even at 4 1/2 years old.
I think the hardest thing to face is not being whole. Not being healed and learning to be okay with it.  My heart, my mind, my spirit need healing and I have to give myself time and be okay with this.

Driving

When I was in high school, I used to drive the back roads to find peace, to chill, to relax.  It was something about just jumping in the car and driving... No where in particular, with my mom or friends.  It's been years since I found driving peaceful but now that I'm home again, I find myself just driving.  I check out what's changed, what's the same.  Today, I came to this place that I didn't exactly know but this tangible sense of nostalgia took over. I don't know why, but it was this sense of peace.  Peace to be home, to fit.  I never wanted to stay in this state. And I definately didn't want to move back but now that I'm here I know that you CAN go home again.
I struggled so much with being ashamed by things that I did or said or the way I treated people.  I felt like that defined me and I associated that with Michigan.  But I'm not that girl, we all do things we aren't proud of, and who I am now and who I'm becoming is really the real deal and what matters.

Life as I now know it

I can't believe I haven't posted since January...
I guess life took over... And flipped upside down.
I feel battered by life right now in so many ways and thankful in so many other ways.
One nite in early May,  my husband and I had a heart to heart and realized we weren't happy. We are now back to our home state in separate apartments.  Our daughter seems to be doing well and sees us both daily.
And I'm doing pretty well. There are things that break my heart... I try not to focus on them but its hard not to.
I have painted so many pictures and have positive thoughts everywhere.  I just need to read them more often.  Tonight, I finished "tough times don't last- tough people do".  My dad try's to encourage me but by telling me I have a long road ahead of me, it just freaks me out.  No one plans for this.  But It happens and I just pray for guidance thru it all.

Devastation in the art room

When I was about ten, my parents sent me to an art class. A real art class in a real art room at the local university.  I remember loving it. The smells, the art supplies. 

I had painted a picture I loved and was so proud of. Then the girl next to me knocked her water over, turning my entire painting a dirty purple-brown.  I went off. I cant remember what i said but there were tears, some Yelling & freaking out.   The teacher removed me from the room and told me " it's just a painting ". Talk about devastating. I had used all my 10 year old passion to create this masterpiece and to her it was just a painting.  

I hadn't thought of this for years until I read the creative way. In this book, you really get to the bottom as to what stunts your creativity.  And when I started thinking about "enemies" to my creative spirit, this nameless, faceless teacher was top of the list.  As I work to regain confidence in my art, I have to face the things that caused damage to me in ways I didn't even realize.

The creative side

Yesterday at work, a friend of my bosses came in.  W started talking about all she does. She lives on a farm, raises and sells chickens, eggs, blueberries,  and other miscellaneous farm things. .  now she makes honey and skin care products. As she talked you could see her passion for this.  She left and I cried.  A part deep inside ached and I realized something that  I've known, but lately it's becoming clearer: in the busy ness of life, I got caught up in paying bills and doing what's necessary instead of pursuing my passion of creating while doing this.  I am thankful for my job, I really am, but I forget that I'm a creative person and by stuffing, suffocating that part of me... Well I've lost a part of me.  And that part hurts.  I'm rambling. Again.  I'm going to do some soul searching this weekend and try to start finding a balance...

The problem with lamps...

I was in w.lmart yesterday having a crisis of self. And you know why? Because I couldn't choose a lamp. A LAMP.  I was standing there, looking at all these lamps thinking, "it's practical, but is it me?" But then I think OMG, who am I?! What Do I like?!and I'm lost. I don't know what I like or what represents me.
And it scares the CRAP out of me.
In the past week, it's like my eyes were opened but I don't actually know what I'm seeing or how it's going to change me.
Talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I've gone thru a lot these last few years and in that, I lost a part of myself. So I started to question what I love and what makes me, well me.  I started from my earliest recollection of what I loved. Purple. Strawberry shortcake. And when I got into my teens, Prince.  I realized that in the simplest ways, that I still love these three things. They make me happy along with my family, of course...
So, not really sure where this leaves me except I guess my recreating of myself looks to be kicked into high gear this year...