Driving

When I was in high school, I used to drive the back roads to find peace, to chill, to relax.  It was something about just jumping in the car and driving... No where in particular, with my mom or friends.  It's been years since I found driving peaceful but now that I'm home again, I find myself just driving.  I check out what's changed, what's the same.  Today, I came to this place that I didn't exactly know but this tangible sense of nostalgia took over. I don't know why, but it was this sense of peace.  Peace to be home, to fit.  I never wanted to stay in this state. And I definately didn't want to move back but now that I'm here I know that you CAN go home again.
I struggled so much with being ashamed by things that I did or said or the way I treated people.  I felt like that defined me and I associated that with Michigan.  But I'm not that girl, we all do things we aren't proud of, and who I am now and who I'm becoming is really the real deal and what matters.

Life as I now know it

I can't believe I haven't posted since January...
I guess life took over... And flipped upside down.
I feel battered by life right now in so many ways and thankful in so many other ways.
One nite in early May,  my husband and I had a heart to heart and realized we weren't happy. We are now back to our home state in separate apartments.  Our daughter seems to be doing well and sees us both daily.
And I'm doing pretty well. There are things that break my heart... I try not to focus on them but its hard not to.
I have painted so many pictures and have positive thoughts everywhere.  I just need to read them more often.  Tonight, I finished "tough times don't last- tough people do".  My dad try's to encourage me but by telling me I have a long road ahead of me, it just freaks me out.  No one plans for this.  But It happens and I just pray for guidance thru it all.

Devastation in the art room

When I was about ten, my parents sent me to an art class. A real art class in a real art room at the local university.  I remember loving it. The smells, the art supplies. 

I had painted a picture I loved and was so proud of. Then the girl next to me knocked her water over, turning my entire painting a dirty purple-brown.  I went off. I cant remember what i said but there were tears, some Yelling & freaking out.   The teacher removed me from the room and told me " it's just a painting ". Talk about devastating. I had used all my 10 year old passion to create this masterpiece and to her it was just a painting.  

I hadn't thought of this for years until I read the creative way. In this book, you really get to the bottom as to what stunts your creativity.  And when I started thinking about "enemies" to my creative spirit, this nameless, faceless teacher was top of the list.  As I work to regain confidence in my art, I have to face the things that caused damage to me in ways I didn't even realize.

The creative side

Yesterday at work, a friend of my bosses came in.  W started talking about all she does. She lives on a farm, raises and sells chickens, eggs, blueberries,  and other miscellaneous farm things. .  now she makes honey and skin care products. As she talked you could see her passion for this.  She left and I cried.  A part deep inside ached and I realized something that  I've known, but lately it's becoming clearer: in the busy ness of life, I got caught up in paying bills and doing what's necessary instead of pursuing my passion of creating while doing this.  I am thankful for my job, I really am, but I forget that I'm a creative person and by stuffing, suffocating that part of me... Well I've lost a part of me.  And that part hurts.  I'm rambling. Again.  I'm going to do some soul searching this weekend and try to start finding a balance...

The problem with lamps...

I was in w.lmart yesterday having a crisis of self. And you know why? Because I couldn't choose a lamp. A LAMP.  I was standing there, looking at all these lamps thinking, "it's practical, but is it me?" But then I think OMG, who am I?! What Do I like?!and I'm lost. I don't know what I like or what represents me.
And it scares the CRAP out of me.
In the past week, it's like my eyes were opened but I don't actually know what I'm seeing or how it's going to change me.
Talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I've gone thru a lot these last few years and in that, I lost a part of myself. So I started to question what I love and what makes me, well me.  I started from my earliest recollection of what I loved. Purple. Strawberry shortcake. And when I got into my teens, Prince.  I realized that in the simplest ways, that I still love these three things. They make me happy along with my family, of course...
So, not really sure where this leaves me except I guess my recreating of myself looks to be kicked into high gear this year...

Echos through rafters

Tonight as I pulled all of our crap out of the car to enter the mall (my purse, the juice cup, the water cup), I start hearing my daughter yelling. LOUDLY. I admit that she has my lack of balance and volume control. But then I realized that as my husband was carrying her into the mall in the parking garage, they were yelling ECHO! I love that simple things are entertaining to her.
Speaking of the mall, being loud, and echos....
I had to use the bathroom at the mall bookstore. I took my daughter with me and as usual, she asked "what" I was doing.  I told her and then reminded her that its not polite to talk about.  She looked at me very seriously, and in a whisper, (so quiet that I didn't understand till it was too late) "I'll just tell my echo." MOMMY'S GOING POOPOO!" Yup. She did.
My whole recreating myself isn't going all that well. I SUCK at working out. I have no will power. None. I have a gym membership and work out videos but I lack serious motivation.  I'd like to say ill do better in 2013, but as I just said, I lack will power. Maybe some new makeup,another cool pair of boots and an eye brow wax will be a good way to recreate myself...

Mountain vs volcano

I woke up with this analogy in my head... At 5:30 am! I've had a lot of talks lately with the people in my life and I realized something; you're either A volcano or a mountain. Stay with me... This made a lot of sense so early in the morning.

Mountains are beautiful. A place where people find solace, rest, relaxation. Who doesn't love mountains? Even just looking at them brings peace. Volcanoes, on the other hand, look nice, but they're explosive, leaving a mess and wreckage in their path.

I think we've all been volcanoes in our lifetime, hurting people in our path. I know I have and for that I am sorry. BUT it's up to us to realize the pain we've caused, apologize and become a person that others trust, can depend on.

Are you a mountain? Or are you a volcano?