Accomplishments

I was reading someone's "nectar list" on Facebook and was blown away by the cool things she's done and accomplished and wanted to start a it's of my own.  Here's the link and concept:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sierra-vandervort/the-nectar-list_b_5753464.html
We need to reflect on the good things that have come to us in our lives. Even if you don't feel like you've done anything huge with your life just yet, I guarantee you can find something to look back on and be proud of.
I sat there thinking that I haven't accomplished all that much and I wish I'd done more- like taking that pole dancing class in Orlando (for fitness reasons, of course!) or that I'd walked the Appalachian trail for just a day. As I was trying to come up with more fun accomplishments, I saw a post on Facebook  from my Aunt about September being childhood cancer awareness.  I then looked at pictures of my beautiful cousin who died from this awful disease just a few months ago. I saw her with ribbons from her equestrian accomplishments; goofing off and smiling with her sister, her mom, dad, and friends; her amazing nail art and mad cookie decorating skills; and a picture with an actual wolf!  She Lived every minute, impacting animals and people, and enjoying life.
And it hit me: it doesn't matter what you do, what's "nectar list" material: it's that you LIVE. Every single day.  It's removing the obstacles that may keep you down and from being 100% authentic and true to yourself such as toxic people.
So, here is my nectar list so far.  I  look forward to adding to this list.

I had to say hello & goodbye in the same breath to the most perfect baby boy and lived through it.
I was paid $20 to be a marriage witness on a boat under the Mackinac bridge for a couple I didn't know.
I won $5000 in a radio contest.
I lived and worked on Mackinac island for two summers.
I spent my entire HS graduation ceremony flirting with the guy in front of me.  We went out that
night and dated for a few months.
I snorted while laughing so many times in a movie that people stopped watching and started trying to figure out who it was.
I signed a strangers birthday card with "love, Veronica"
I got stuck in a paddle boat under a bridge in Toronto.  I had to climb in the water to get us un-stuck.
I cut down two 30+foot pine trees with a chainsaw by myself.

I proved the old wives tale true: spicy food DOES induce labor.  My OB told me I had another two weeks, atleast.  I went out for spicy food that night and was holding my daughter less than 24 hours later!

The lesson I'm putting into practice is to LIVE fully. My aunt put it beautifully and I think we should all strive to live as my cousin did.
 She was an amazing person who had goals, took risks and had fun! 

A year later.

For about two weeks, I've been sad.  I just haven't been able to shake that I'm-on-the-brink-of-tears feeling.  I think it's a whole lot of everything hitting me all at once.
Next Tuesday marks 1 year that we packed our life up in Asheville and moved here to start seperate lives. I don't regret that decision.  I regret having things get so bad that I lost myself ... And I'm sad about other stuff that seems more appropriate for a therapists sofa than a blog ;)
In three weeks the divorce will be final.  I am thankful there will be closure.  I don't regret the 11 years we spent together but I don't like how things were at the end of the marraige and at the beginning of the seperation.  Things are so much better now and I'm thankful for that.
I miss my son. A lot. A lot of people say they can relate to me because they had a miscarriage.  I am sorry they went through that but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.  Just as I cannot totally relate to my friend who's daughter died of SIDS.  They are all traumatic and they are all different.  My cousin died in May shortly after being diagnosed with cancer and it rocked me in unexpected ways.  I knew her mostly through social networking sites since she lived 10 hours away.  Her mom is my aunt and godmother who I was pretty close to as a kid.  When I was 15, she told me she was pregnant.  I remember her joy and my aunt sharing every moment of her daughters' first years with me in pictures and letters.  No one should have to bury their kids.  And my heart ached for my aunt, my uncle, and their other daughter. It brought to surface the fact that Micah is not here with me in a more intense way than I've ever experienced.  I finally have a validation in my heart that even though others never had the chance to meet my son, his life was valuable, he was wanted, and he is missed.

No big deal

Over the last few months, I've had so many people tell me that they're sorry to hear about the divorce. And every time, I shrug, say I'm okay, My daughter's okay, no big deal, it's better this way.  And I mean it....except that I don't. It IS a big deal. A marraige ending after a decade is hard.  It may be "right" for the people involved for whatever reason but it's not as easy as I tend to make it seem.
     Ever since I was little, I've been able to compartmentalize things that happened.  I have been able to close doors to certain aspects that are tough.  This helps me get through the tough times but once that door gets opened again, it's like a flood.  A full force flood.  And I feel like I'm being hit by tidal waves of memories.  Nothing of great importance, really, but still bits and pieces of the life we lived and the things we did.  Strange things like restaurants or common views.
    And as my mind wanders, it feels like that was a different life; a different me. I look back at my time in Asheville and it seems smokey; a distant memory.  Problem is, it's not that distant.  I've only been here a year... Less than a year actually.  But, oh, what a wild almost-a-year it's been.
    I read a great quote that said " I am just striving to be more me than I've ever been".  I feel like that is my goal: to find me, to be me.  I chopped my hair off. Spikey short... But cute spikey short.  I really have to clarify this because I know what I picture when I hear a woman has short spikey hair and it's not cute.  But my hair is... Atleast I think so and that's what I keep being told! ;). This was a BIG step to finding me. Cutting my hair brought a sense of freedom and confidence that I haven't felt in a while.
I am up way past my bedtime...

The divorced thirty-something

     I realized today that I am in an "elite" club.  I didn't ask to be a part of this club and I'm pretty sure the other members didn't ask nor are they happy to be a part of it.
     We are the divorced/soon-to-be divorced thirty-something's.
We all have a story.  We all have a reason we are here. A reason we get emotional when all seems fine.  A reason our hearts and emotions are not 100% whole.  We don't have to share the whys or how come to anyone because it ours. I find it hard to let people in as I'm sure many in my situation do.
I think we can all agree that our emotions are unstable sometimes and our hearts are fragile.  It's easy to forget this but as we all move forward and on with our lives, we have to remember to be gentle with our own heart as well as the hearts of others-to be careful.
     I hate the word "damaged" but if you think about it, we kinda are. It's hard coming to terms with this reality-this truth.  We all have stories and we all have wounds.  It makes us who we are but it doesn't define us.

Tough questions

My daughter asked me when me, her daddy, and herself would move back in together.
How do you explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it won't happen? How do I explain that for reasons she can't understand that it's for the best? How do I make her okay with the answer "never"? How do I explain that we aren't moving in together? That The separate house thing is permanent?
She talks about our old city a lot. It's where her world last made sense. Her Parents were together, she could see my mom (her grandma who's lived within 5 minutes of us since she was born) whenever she wanted, and her Jazzie cat was there.  She loved her Jazzie cat who died just a few months before we moved from a stroke.  She knows that Jazzies no longer in Asheville, but in her mind, all is right in the world there.  This makes me sad on so many levels. Mostly because I don't want her to associate this city we now live to be the reason her parents aren't together, that her grandma isn't a short drive or walk away, or why she no longer has the coolest cat in the world.
This is tough. You always want to protect your kids, to make the right decisions.  But sometimes what's "right" is hard to grasp.

On a mission

Finding out who I am, what I like, what defines me has become  a mission.
 In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;

  * I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.  
  * Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
  *  I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
      stick to the edge like always.  
  * Straight lines are overrated.  I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
  * I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
  * I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
    snow easier
 * my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
 * I love skinny jeans.

I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends.  It makes the rough times a lot easier.

Be Joyful.

     My friend gave me a CD from her church that she thought I'd like.  The pastor was preaching about Joy. True joy.  One thing that stuck out to me is that he said that happiness is different than joy.  He, she, this or that can make you happy one minute and you can be sad the next.  Feelings such as happiness are fleeting.  True joy is not.
     Joy is a theme in my life.  My daughters name means "joyful spirit".  when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name.  I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am.  I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.  
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives.  I've experienced many over the years.  I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move.  But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope.  To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.
 

We vs. Me and a side of eggs

I went out to dinner with an old friend last week and had a great time catching up! But one thing struck me: the use of WE. I was amazed at how often I said WE when talking about the past.  It makes sence, honestly. I was part of a duo,  part of "we". WE bought a house, WE moved to Florida and North Carolina, WE vacationed together.
I haven't just been ME since I was 25... Over a decade ago. It's a weird transition... One that I'm trying to train myself to say.
Talking about ME....
After I moved into my own apartment, I realized that I didn't know how I liked my eggs. well, not literally. I didn't know ME.  In "the Runaway Bride",  Julia Roberts character would adapt what eggs she ate to match what the man she was with ate.  So, there you go: the eggs.
 I had someone start texting me question after question and I didn't know how to answer them. Even the simplest questions stumped me and made me realize that I needed to find myself again. To Find what I love, what excites me. So, I don't know all the answers but I know myself a little more.
Favorite book: Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne's character, her spunk, her power to overcome all obstacles and to love the people and things around her. Favorite movie: I love the intensity of Christopher Nolan's Batman movies.  Also, The love story of "50 first dates" is beautiful to me... To never give up on love even when you're being told to and when it is difficult. Favorite place: I haven't been to all that many places, but Mackinac Island has such a special place in my heart. But I love the water. Oceans, lakes, waterfalls... It's peaceful to me.  Favorite hobby: creating things or vegging on the sofa. This is new to me and I kinda love being able to! Favorite color: purple. It calms me and makes me happy.

Chairs and opposites

Many years back,  my mom and I were talking about her trip to Home Depot that day.  The line was long and slow so she and the guy behind her started making small talk.  Soon, they were sitting in lawn chairs in the checkout line, moving them up as needed, talking to make time pass.
I love this story.  Mostly because I think the chair idea is  brilliant but I also love that my mom has never known a stranger.
I love to start conversations with people. I am an extrovert so sitting with strangers at the hibachi grill or at the bar doesn't faze me.  I have no problem talking to people I do not know and it never occurred to me that some people didn't think this was  normal. Until I spent time with an introvert.
  They say opposites attract and there's a reason for that: you admire the traits you see in them that you don't have but after a while, if you don't have enough similarities, I think it's easy to almost suffocate the others personality. I have had some amazing conversations lately with amazing girl friends. The subject of opposites has come up in almost every conversation so I thought I'd blog about it!
I know that there are couples out there who are total opposites and are happy and going strong but since this has been the similar discussion in many conversations I thought I'd ask your thoughts on the subject!

Heading into a new year with high hopes!

On Zig Ziglars' Facebook page today he had this saying:

Small daily improvements are the key to staggering long-term results.

I think this is a good thing for me to remember as I head into a new year.  It's so easy to see where I am not instead of the steps I'm making.  I am going to try to stay focused on the daily things that help me get to where I want to be.  
This year has been a time of so much change and it's easy for me to think "I should've, could've, shouldn't have" but sometimes falling down or walking off the path you were on helps you to see what direction you really want to go. 

Mindbodygreen.com has an article on things to let go of for the new year.  Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

 Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

 Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

 Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

 Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

 Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.


May this year be filled with fulfilled dreams, goals that are reached, hearts that are happy, and lives that are full! 



Happy New Year!

Keeping it real.

A little over Seven years ago , my son was stillborn.  His heart just stopped. I went in to the doctors for my 35th week appointment and they couldn't find his heartbeat. They wheeled me down to labor & delivery. They left me in that room by myself and as I waited for my husband to arrive, so many things went through my head. I kept hearing an old pastor say "stand. And when you're tired of standing, continue to stand".  I held on to that through the night and the next day when he was born.
I went to work just two weeks after my son died. It was too soon. But people told me that I needed to move on, "get over it", and I didn't know better. I didn't know that I needed to shut out the voices and just be.
I used to have a panic attack on the way home from work  every. Single. Day.  It was bad and I was thankful my commute was only 15 minutes. My chest would hurt, I couldn't breath, and I felt like I was going to implode. I started telling myself, "K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this." Every day, I would recite this to myself for the year or so that this continued.  During the rough times since then, I find myself repeating this. I guess it's kind of my mantra, in a way.
As I face my first Christmas being single and the fact that my daughter won't be with me the entire time, I am repeating this again:"K, you're okay. Life sucks right now. This isn't fair. But you can do this. You are tough. Just breath. You can get through this."  
I think the main thing is HOPE. I will continue to hope and have faith in what I can't see and can't even imagine. 
The future is scary to me. But I will continue to repeat my mantra, put one foot in front of the other and press on.

2013

This year has not been easy...
The strings that held my marriage together unraveled. The hardest part is giving up what I thought would be.  when I moved back home, it was a sigh of relief. Starting fresh and finding me again.  but Dealing with divorce and all that goes with it, especially when you have a child, is painful. It's been painful. I've cried so much, nursed my hurt feelings more than I care to admit, and doubted myself about things I should be sure of.
And in all of this, I have fallen back in step with my three best friends. 11 years away and you'd never know. Their love and support for me has been so true, so sweet, and it never waivers. True friendship.  
I also learned that although it can hurt ALOT, I can let people in. I've been stand-offish for years, not letting others in, but I did. I let my guard down.  I was a shell of myself when I got here and it's good to know that my quirkiness, my love to laugh and be silly, is still there.  I just needed people who cared about me to help bring that back to the surface. Through the people I let in, I've become okay and secure with who I am, who I was, and who I have yet to become. Although my heart aches for the could've Been's, I try to focus on what I've gained.
I have learned that  I love my little girl fiercely. Not being with her daily hurts soooo much but she's handling it so well. There's a Shakespeare quote that says  "Though she but be little, she be fierce." I think of this when I think of her. She is an overcomer even at 4 1/2 years old.
I think the hardest thing to face is not being whole. Not being healed and learning to be okay with it.  My heart, my mind, my spirit need healing and I have to give myself time and be okay with this.

Driving

When I was in high school, I used to drive the back roads to find peace, to chill, to relax.  It was something about just jumping in the car and driving... No where in particular, with my mom or friends.  It's been years since I found driving peaceful but now that I'm home again, I find myself just driving.  I check out what's changed, what's the same.  Today, I came to this place that I didn't exactly know but this tangible sense of nostalgia took over. I don't know why, but it was this sense of peace.  Peace to be home, to fit.  I never wanted to stay in this state. And I definately didn't want to move back but now that I'm here I know that you CAN go home again.
I struggled so much with being ashamed by things that I did or said or the way I treated people.  I felt like that defined me and I associated that with Michigan.  But I'm not that girl, we all do things we aren't proud of, and who I am now and who I'm becoming is really the real deal and what matters.

Life as I now know it

I can't believe I haven't posted since January...
I guess life took over... And flipped upside down.
I feel battered by life right now in so many ways and thankful in so many other ways.
One nite in early May,  my husband and I had a heart to heart and realized we weren't happy. We are now back to our home state in separate apartments.  Our daughter seems to be doing well and sees us both daily.
And I'm doing pretty well. There are things that break my heart... I try not to focus on them but its hard not to.
I have painted so many pictures and have positive thoughts everywhere.  I just need to read them more often.  Tonight, I finished "tough times don't last- tough people do".  My dad try's to encourage me but by telling me I have a long road ahead of me, it just freaks me out.  No one plans for this.  But It happens and I just pray for guidance thru it all.

Devastation in the art room

When I was about ten, my parents sent me to an art class. A real art class in a real art room at the local university.  I remember loving it. The smells, the art supplies. 

I had painted a picture I loved and was so proud of. Then the girl next to me knocked her water over, turning my entire painting a dirty purple-brown.  I went off. I cant remember what i said but there were tears, some Yelling & freaking out.   The teacher removed me from the room and told me " it's just a painting ". Talk about devastating. I had used all my 10 year old passion to create this masterpiece and to her it was just a painting.  

I hadn't thought of this for years until I read the creative way. In this book, you really get to the bottom as to what stunts your creativity.  And when I started thinking about "enemies" to my creative spirit, this nameless, faceless teacher was top of the list.  As I work to regain confidence in my art, I have to face the things that caused damage to me in ways I didn't even realize.

The creative side

Yesterday at work, a friend of my bosses came in.  W started talking about all she does. She lives on a farm, raises and sells chickens, eggs, blueberries,  and other miscellaneous farm things. .  now she makes honey and skin care products. As she talked you could see her passion for this.  She left and I cried.  A part deep inside ached and I realized something that  I've known, but lately it's becoming clearer: in the busy ness of life, I got caught up in paying bills and doing what's necessary instead of pursuing my passion of creating while doing this.  I am thankful for my job, I really am, but I forget that I'm a creative person and by stuffing, suffocating that part of me... Well I've lost a part of me.  And that part hurts.  I'm rambling. Again.  I'm going to do some soul searching this weekend and try to start finding a balance...

The problem with lamps...

I was in w.lmart yesterday having a crisis of self. And you know why? Because I couldn't choose a lamp. A LAMP.  I was standing there, looking at all these lamps thinking, "it's practical, but is it me?" But then I think OMG, who am I?! What Do I like?!and I'm lost. I don't know what I like or what represents me.
And it scares the CRAP out of me.
In the past week, it's like my eyes were opened but I don't actually know what I'm seeing or how it's going to change me.
Talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I've gone thru a lot these last few years and in that, I lost a part of myself. So I started to question what I love and what makes me, well me.  I started from my earliest recollection of what I loved. Purple. Strawberry shortcake. And when I got into my teens, Prince.  I realized that in the simplest ways, that I still love these three things. They make me happy along with my family, of course...
So, not really sure where this leaves me except I guess my recreating of myself looks to be kicked into high gear this year...

Echos through rafters

Tonight as I pulled all of our crap out of the car to enter the mall (my purse, the juice cup, the water cup), I start hearing my daughter yelling. LOUDLY. I admit that she has my lack of balance and volume control. But then I realized that as my husband was carrying her into the mall in the parking garage, they were yelling ECHO! I love that simple things are entertaining to her.
Speaking of the mall, being loud, and echos....
I had to use the bathroom at the mall bookstore. I took my daughter with me and as usual, she asked "what" I was doing.  I told her and then reminded her that its not polite to talk about.  She looked at me very seriously, and in a whisper, (so quiet that I didn't understand till it was too late) "I'll just tell my echo." MOMMY'S GOING POOPOO!" Yup. She did.
My whole recreating myself isn't going all that well. I SUCK at working out. I have no will power. None. I have a gym membership and work out videos but I lack serious motivation.  I'd like to say ill do better in 2013, but as I just said, I lack will power. Maybe some new makeup,another cool pair of boots and an eye brow wax will be a good way to recreate myself...

Mountain vs volcano

I woke up with this analogy in my head... At 5:30 am! I've had a lot of talks lately with the people in my life and I realized something; you're either A volcano or a mountain. Stay with me... This made a lot of sense so early in the morning.

Mountains are beautiful. A place where people find solace, rest, relaxation. Who doesn't love mountains? Even just looking at them brings peace. Volcanoes, on the other hand, look nice, but they're explosive, leaving a mess and wreckage in their path.

I think we've all been volcanoes in our lifetime, hurting people in our path. I know I have and for that I am sorry. BUT it's up to us to realize the pain we've caused, apologize and become a person that others trust, can depend on.

Are you a mountain? Or are you a volcano?

Living and learning

I think it's easy to loose yourself in the busyness of life.
I decided to create this blog as a way to help me put my thoughts in words and to figure out what I'm all about.
Tonight, I dyed my hair a red wine color. epic fail is the only way to describe it!
I wanted to be wild so I got a punky color. It was really red.... As I washed it out, it made the bathtub look like There was serious bloodshed. It was bad. Really bad. I will be buying a giant bottle of bleach for the walls, shower curtain,and tub tomorrow! I won't be dying my hair again soon... Unless it was outside so I could just hose it off into the grass :)
I colored my nails today too. My toes were planned. My finger nails were to cover uo the hair dye.
So recreating myself has been a bit of a blunder today... But that's okay! We live and we learn!