Accomplishments

I was reading someone's "nectar list" on Facebook and was blown away by the cool things she's done and accomplished and wanted to start a it's of my own.  Here's the link and concept:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sierra-vandervort/the-nectar-list_b_5753464.html
We need to reflect on the good things that have come to us in our lives. Even if you don't feel like you've done anything huge with your life just yet, I guarantee you can find something to look back on and be proud of.
I sat there thinking that I haven't accomplished all that much and I wish I'd done more- like taking that pole dancing class in Orlando (for fitness reasons, of course!) or that I'd walked the Appalachian trail for just a day. As I was trying to come up with more fun accomplishments, I saw a post on Facebook  from my Aunt about September being childhood cancer awareness.  I then looked at pictures of my beautiful cousin who died from this awful disease just a few months ago. I saw her with ribbons from her equestrian accomplishments; goofing off and smiling with her sister, her mom, dad, and friends; her amazing nail art and mad cookie decorating skills; and a picture with an actual wolf!  She Lived every minute, impacting animals and people, and enjoying life.
And it hit me: it doesn't matter what you do, what's "nectar list" material: it's that you LIVE. Every single day.  It's removing the obstacles that may keep you down and from being 100% authentic and true to yourself such as toxic people.
So, here is my nectar list so far.  I  look forward to adding to this list.

I had to say hello & goodbye in the same breath to the most perfect baby boy and lived through it.
I was paid $20 to be a marriage witness on a boat under the Mackinac bridge for a couple I didn't know.
I won $5000 in a radio contest.
I lived and worked on Mackinac island for two summers.
I spent my entire HS graduation ceremony flirting with the guy in front of me.  We went out that
night and dated for a few months.
I snorted while laughing so many times in a movie that people stopped watching and started trying to figure out who it was.
I signed a strangers birthday card with "love, Veronica"
I got stuck in a paddle boat under a bridge in Toronto.  I had to climb in the water to get us un-stuck.
I cut down two 30+foot pine trees with a chainsaw by myself.

I proved the old wives tale true: spicy food DOES induce labor.  My OB told me I had another two weeks, atleast.  I went out for spicy food that night and was holding my daughter less than 24 hours later!

The lesson I'm putting into practice is to LIVE fully. My aunt put it beautifully and I think we should all strive to live as my cousin did.
 She was an amazing person who had goals, took risks and had fun! 

A year later.

For about two weeks, I've been sad.  I just haven't been able to shake that I'm-on-the-brink-of-tears feeling.  I think it's a whole lot of everything hitting me all at once.
Next Tuesday marks 1 year that we packed our life up in Asheville and moved here to start seperate lives. I don't regret that decision.  I regret having things get so bad that I lost myself ... And I'm sad about other stuff that seems more appropriate for a therapists sofa than a blog ;)
In three weeks the divorce will be final.  I am thankful there will be closure.  I don't regret the 11 years we spent together but I don't like how things were at the end of the marraige and at the beginning of the seperation.  Things are so much better now and I'm thankful for that.
I miss my son. A lot. A lot of people say they can relate to me because they had a miscarriage.  I am sorry they went through that but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.  Just as I cannot totally relate to my friend who's daughter died of SIDS.  They are all traumatic and they are all different.  My cousin died in May shortly after being diagnosed with cancer and it rocked me in unexpected ways.  I knew her mostly through social networking sites since she lived 10 hours away.  Her mom is my aunt and godmother who I was pretty close to as a kid.  When I was 15, she told me she was pregnant.  I remember her joy and my aunt sharing every moment of her daughters' first years with me in pictures and letters.  No one should have to bury their kids.  And my heart ached for my aunt, my uncle, and their other daughter. It brought to surface the fact that Micah is not here with me in a more intense way than I've ever experienced.  I finally have a validation in my heart that even though others never had the chance to meet my son, his life was valuable, he was wanted, and he is missed.

No big deal

Over the last few months, I've had so many people tell me that they're sorry to hear about the divorce. And every time, I shrug, say I'm okay, My daughter's okay, no big deal, it's better this way.  And I mean it....except that I don't. It IS a big deal. A marraige ending after a decade is hard.  It may be "right" for the people involved for whatever reason but it's not as easy as I tend to make it seem.
     Ever since I was little, I've been able to compartmentalize things that happened.  I have been able to close doors to certain aspects that are tough.  This helps me get through the tough times but once that door gets opened again, it's like a flood.  A full force flood.  And I feel like I'm being hit by tidal waves of memories.  Nothing of great importance, really, but still bits and pieces of the life we lived and the things we did.  Strange things like restaurants or common views.
    And as my mind wanders, it feels like that was a different life; a different me. I look back at my time in Asheville and it seems smokey; a distant memory.  Problem is, it's not that distant.  I've only been here a year... Less than a year actually.  But, oh, what a wild almost-a-year it's been.
    I read a great quote that said " I am just striving to be more me than I've ever been".  I feel like that is my goal: to find me, to be me.  I chopped my hair off. Spikey short... But cute spikey short.  I really have to clarify this because I know what I picture when I hear a woman has short spikey hair and it's not cute.  But my hair is... Atleast I think so and that's what I keep being told! ;). This was a BIG step to finding me. Cutting my hair brought a sense of freedom and confidence that I haven't felt in a while.
I am up way past my bedtime...

The divorced thirty-something

     I realized today that I am in an "elite" club.  I didn't ask to be a part of this club and I'm pretty sure the other members didn't ask nor are they happy to be a part of it.
     We are the divorced/soon-to-be divorced thirty-something's.
We all have a story.  We all have a reason we are here. A reason we get emotional when all seems fine.  A reason our hearts and emotions are not 100% whole.  We don't have to share the whys or how come to anyone because it ours. I find it hard to let people in as I'm sure many in my situation do.
I think we can all agree that our emotions are unstable sometimes and our hearts are fragile.  It's easy to forget this but as we all move forward and on with our lives, we have to remember to be gentle with our own heart as well as the hearts of others-to be careful.
     I hate the word "damaged" but if you think about it, we kinda are. It's hard coming to terms with this reality-this truth.  We all have stories and we all have wounds.  It makes us who we are but it doesn't define us.

Tough questions

My daughter asked me when me, her daddy, and herself would move back in together.
How do you explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it won't happen? How do I explain that for reasons she can't understand that it's for the best? How do I make her okay with the answer "never"? How do I explain that we aren't moving in together? That The separate house thing is permanent?
She talks about our old city a lot. It's where her world last made sense. Her Parents were together, she could see my mom (her grandma who's lived within 5 minutes of us since she was born) whenever she wanted, and her Jazzie cat was there.  She loved her Jazzie cat who died just a few months before we moved from a stroke.  She knows that Jazzies no longer in Asheville, but in her mind, all is right in the world there.  This makes me sad on so many levels. Mostly because I don't want her to associate this city we now live to be the reason her parents aren't together, that her grandma isn't a short drive or walk away, or why she no longer has the coolest cat in the world.
This is tough. You always want to protect your kids, to make the right decisions.  But sometimes what's "right" is hard to grasp.

On a mission

Finding out who I am, what I like, what defines me has become  a mission.
 In the past few weeks I have realized a few things;

  * I do not like pork chops. I tried two very different recipes and I don't like them at all.  
  * Tiny sausages wrapped in bacon & sprinkled with brown sugar are fantastic!
  *  I may have an entire bed to myself now, but I don't like sleeping in the middle. I am going to
      stick to the edge like always.  
  * Straight lines are overrated.  I don't have to create the perfect picture; I just need to create.
  * I love to laugh! I like finding the silly things in the mundane.
  * I like to sing and dance in my car. A lot of dancing and very loud singing... It makes driving in the
    snow easier
 * my daughter is FUNNY . And a little dramatic.
 * I love skinny jeans.

I am so thankful to be back home, surrounded by such amazing & supportive friends.  It makes the rough times a lot easier.

Be Joyful.

     My friend gave me a CD from her church that she thought I'd like.  The pastor was preaching about Joy. True joy.  One thing that stuck out to me is that he said that happiness is different than joy.  He, she, this or that can make you happy one minute and you can be sad the next.  Feelings such as happiness are fleeting.  True joy is not.
     Joy is a theme in my life.  My daughters name means "joyful spirit".  when I was little, my day care provider would call me by the middle name "joy" since my parents never gave me a middle name.  I like to think of myself as a joyful person. Even in the darkest times, I have held onto the joy. Even when I couldn't "feel" it, it was in my heart -it's a part of who I am.  I held onto that joy because I had HOPE.
Theopedia says this: Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.  
Joy doesn't mean always walking around with a smile on your face but finding hope and contentment in all situations. There will be dark days in all of our lives.  I've experienced many over the years.  I remember one day in particular, coming home from work a few weeks after Micah died and telling my husband that it hurt. The missing, the ache of not holding him, never being able to kiss his face again...It hurt. So bad. It hurt to breathe, to think, to move.  But even in that moment, there was something deep inside me that told me that I'd be okay, that I could make it. To hold onto hope.  To hold onto the joy - the joy that is my strength.